The Cesspool of Crap: A Rant on Terrible British Game Shows

As I sit here, sipping on my lukewarm coffee and staring into the abyss that is my television screen, I can't help but feel a seething anger – an anger directed at the pitiful state of British game shows. Oh, how they have dragged us down into the cavernous depths of mediocrity and despair!

I used to love game shows. They were the perfect blend of brain-numbing fun and mindless entertainment. But now, it seems that the only goal of these TV stations is to create the most insipid, toe-curlingly awful game shows that the world has ever seen. How did we get here?

Let's take a moment to examine the culprits. The so-called 'talent' on these programs – I use the term loosely – seem to be selected based on their ability to draw in viewers with their bewildering lack of charisma and charm. It's as if the producers are actively seeking out the least watchable human beings to grace our screens.

And what about the 'games' themselves? They've devolved into a bizarre cross between a carnival sideshow and a therapy session. Contestants are now required to perform embarrassing stunts, solve dull puzzles, and engage in awkward small talk with their fellow 'winners.' It's all just one big pile of vomit-inducing television.

But perhaps the most infuriating aspect of these godawful game shows is the insidious way they've infiltrated our cultural consciousness. Once prized for their intellectual challenge and competitive spirit, game shows have now been reduced to a series of tasteless gimmicks and cheap laughs. The once proud tradition of demonstrating your smarts in front of a national audience has been replaced by a parade of beings who are content to claw at the bottom rung of the entertainment ladder.

And don't get me started on the relentless advertisements that follow each show. They're like a sick, twisted form of torture. "Win a brand-new toaster! Join us again next week for more fun and games!" Oh, how delighted I am that I tuned in just in time to hear this dulcet sales pitch.

So, as I sit here, shaking my head in disgust, I can't help but wonder what happened to the good old days when game shows were a source of innocent joy and lighthearted competition. Why must we settle for this cesspool of crap that passes for entertainment in today's world?

It's time we demand better. It's time for a revolution. A revolution of taste and decency. A revolution that will take back the beloved genre of game shows and restore it to its former glory. Until then, I shall continue to sit here, seething and sulking, as I watch the wretched abominations that parade themselves as game shows.

And to the producers and networks out there: you've been warned. We're watching you, and we're not afraid to call you out on your crap. So, clean up your act or prepare for the wrath of the viewing public.

Britain's Boring Box: A Rant About Antiques and Houses

Oh, sweet Jesus. Is it just me or has Britain's TV schedule taken a sharp right turn into the land of the painfully dull? We're not talking about a quick detour here, folks – we're talking about an all-out U-turn into Boringville, population: You, me, and a whole lot of antiques.

Now, I get it. We're in Britain, the land of tea, crumpets, and charm. But come on, it's like every single channel has been hijacked by an antique-loving, property-obsessed lunatic whose idea of a good time involves nothing more than slowly combing through a dusty old shop with a flashlight. And don't even get me started on the house programs – they're like a never-ending loop of people offering to buy each other's houses while muttering about "needing more space" and "adding value."

I'm pretty sure the only thing that could make this situation worse is if someone decided to throw in some gardening shows for good measure. Because as we all know, the absolute pinnacle of entertainment is watching people painstakingly trim their hedges for hours on end.

Look, I'm not trying to knock Britain's TV history. In the past, you've given us some absolute gems like "Dr. Who," "Black Mirror," and even a little show called "The IT Crowd." But right now, it feels like we've entered a dark age of television, one where antiques and houses have taken the place of engaging storytelling and thought-provoking drama.

And don't get me started on the "antique experts" who somehow manage to make even the most mundane object sound like it's worth a king's ransom. It's like watching a roadside magician perform card tricks for the third time in a row, but instead of cards, it's a dusty old teapot.

But hey, maybe I'm just a bitter old man who can't appreciate the beauty of a well-kept house or the intricate craftsmanship of a 300-year-old candlestick. Maybe I'm just a misguided fool who can't see the value in these shows.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's time to shake things up, to bring in some fresh blood, some new ideas, some actual entertainment. Because right now, it feels like Britain's TV schedule is stuck in a tired, outdated rut, and I, for one, can't take it anymore.

So where do we go from here? Do we wallow in this sea of antiques and houses, forever trapped in the cyclical loop of "who wants to buy my house?" and "look at this old thingamabob that's worth a fortune, folks!"? Or do we rise up as one, unified nation of TV watchers, demanding better, more engaging content?

The choice is yours, Britain. Will you continue to settle for a bland, antiquated existence filled with dusty knick-knacks and overpriced property deals? Or will you finally break free from this monotonous routine and demand the captivating television content you deserve?

The power is in your hands, my fellow Britons. Will you choose to bask in the dull glory of antiques and houses, or will you actively seek out the vibrant, engaging television we all crave?

Until then, I'll be over here, waiting for the day when Britain's TV schedule is filled with something more than a constant barrage of "look at this old chair" and "sell me your house." Because, let's face it, even the most fascinating piece of antique furniture can't hold a candle to a good story. 

Boost your creativity and cure your boredom at the same time

 Boredom is a universal human experience. We all feel it from time to time, regardless of our age, interests, or lifestyle. But while boredom can be unpleasant, it can also be an opportunity to try new things, learn new skills, and expand our horizons.

Here is a list of ideas for things to do when you're bored: 

1. Have a tea party with your stuffed animals. Invite them to a formal tea party and serve them tiny cups of tea and biscuits. You can even dress up in your fanciest clothes for the occasion.

2. Go for a walk in the park while wearing a blindfold. This is a great way to experience your surroundings in a new and different way. Just be careful not to trip over anything!

3. Try to write a poem using only words that start with the letter "E." This is a challenging but fun activity that will get your creative juices flowing.

4. Build a fort out of blankets and pillows in your living room. Then, crawl inside and have a picnic lunch.

5. Give yourself a makeover using only makeup that you find in your trash can. This is a great way to test your creativity and see what kind of look you can come up with.

6. Have a dance party with your pets. Put on some music and dance around like nobody's watching. Your pets will probably enjoy it too!

7. Try to balance a spoon on your nose for as long as possible. This is a surprisingly difficult task, but it's also a lot of fun.

8. Write a letter to your future self. Tell them all about your life today and what you hope to achieve in the future. Then, seal the letter and put it away somewhere safe. You can open it up in a few years and see how your life has changed.

9. Try to eat a bowl of cereal without using your hands. This is a messy but fun challenge that will test your coordination.

10. Have a conversation with your reflection in the mirror. Ask them questions about their life and see what they say. You might be surprised at what you learn!

11. Try to juggle three oranges. This is a classic circus skill that is surprisingly difficult to master. But with enough practice, you'll be able to do it!

12. Have a staring contest with your pet. See who can last the longest without blinking.

13. Have a karaoke night.

14. Learn a new dance.

15. Take a nap.

The possibilities are endless! So next time you're bored, don't despair. Use it as an opportunity to explore your interests and discover new things.

No matter what you choose to do, make sure it's something that you enjoy and that makes you feel good. Boredom is a temporary state, so make the most of it!

Have fun.

Need a challenge? Here's 24 things to try

 Feeling bored? Need a challenge to mix things up? Look no further! Here is a list of fun and challenging activities that you can try. These activities are sure to get your creative juices flowing and help you to see the world in a new and different way.

Some of these activities are challenging, while others are simply fun and silly. But all of them are sure to keep you entertained. So what are you waiting for? Start exploring this list and find the perfect activity for you!

1. Touch your toes without bending your knees.

2. Walk through a wall.

3. Square the circle.

4. Divide by zero.

5. Travel faster than the speed of light.

6. Create a perpetual motion machine.

7. Find the prime number greater than all other prime numbers.

8. List all the natural numbers in order.

9. Write a program that can halt any given program.

10. Prove that there are an infinite number of prime numbers.

11. Prove that Goldbach's conjecture is true.

12. Prove that the Riemann hypothesis is true.

13. Make a pig fly.

14. Make a fish climb a tree.

15. Make a rock float.

16. Teach a dog to speak Spanish (unless it already speaks Spanish. In this case teach it Danish).

17. Find a needle in a haystack.

18. Get a genie out of a bottle.

19. Put toothpaste back in the tube.

20. Un-ring a bell.

21. Close the barn door after the horses have bolted.

22. Make the Titanic unsink.

23. Put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

24. Find out who let the dogs out.

Good luck!

A Video Slideshow of Ampthill

Hi all. Today my best friend Kryssi (see several of the posts below) made a video slideshow of Ampthill Park. The photography is all by her. I think it's awesome. Check it out here. PS Salad Days 2.0 is on its way.

This is a video of my parents' cat and dog. See if you can guess which one is boss. Posted as a tribute to the late Bernie (the cat) R.I.P.

Kryssi Keightley Live at Sno:Bar July 2010

Kryssi Keightley's very first live performance. This was filmed last July at the Sno:Bar at Xscape Milton Keynes on my mobile. Enjoy...
PS there's some podcasts featuring Kryssi on their way

A picture of my best friend, stand up comedian Kryssi Keightley with Andi Osho. We went to see her at the Sno:Bar in Milton Keynes. We also met Joshua Howie and Nathan Caton. It was a great night.